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Personal Experiences

New Start- Jane's Story

21 December 2011

“I have been in an abusive relationship with my husband for last 30 years. However, in July of this year, my life and the life of my two daughters changed. We were given somewhere safe to live, in a Simon Community project, giving us the opportunity to make a new start."

“I have been in an abusive relationship with my husband for last 30 years.

However, in July of this year, my life and the life of my two daughters changed.

We were given somewhere safe to live, in a Simon Community project, giving us the opportunity to make a new start.

My husband was always controlling from the beginning of our relationship.  When we started to have children, it got worse.

I didn’t go to family functions because he was possessive and liked to be in control. It just wasn’t worth it.

A few years ago, it all got too much; I could not cope and had a nervous breakdown.

Afterwards, I tried stay strong for my two girls; my other children had grown up and moved out.

I realised what a negative impact this was having on the girls. But, I was scared to leave.

He wasn’t violent, but he was mentally abusive. He blamed me for everything. His aggressive tempers dominated family life.  He played my daughters off against each other with money. He didn’t allow me or the girls to get taxis, because it meant being alone with another man.

Last year, in an attempt to gain independence, I went to college to learn new skills, but had to give it up, because he thought I was having an affair.

 I was scared to be left in the house with him.

It got even worse when one night, he self harmed and showed our youngest daughter, who is 13 years old.

She started to take severe panic attacks and developed a nervous disorder because of what was going on in our home. We were terrified of what his reactions might be when he came home at night or what type of mood he would be in.

Then, in March this year, I decided it had gone too far. Even if it made us homeless, we had to get away.

I took my two girls and we moved into my sister’s house.

My sister lives with her family in a two-bedroom house, that meant myself and the two girls slept in the box room.

It was cramped and not ideal, but it meant we were away from the chaos of what our family life had become.

It took us a few months, but eventually the Housing Executive told us they had somewhere for us to stay.

The flat had enough room for all of us and it was in a project run by the Simon Community NI.

It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be, the project is for families and has a crčche.

My daughter is still suffering from a panic disorder but with somewhere calm, safe and comfortable to live, she is getting better. I am attending a women’s centre to try to deal with the affect my husband’s behaviour has had on my life.

The flat has given us the space to cope with the problems that life has thrown at us. The relief I feel on behalf of my children and I is incredible.

I can come and go as I please whenever I want and not worry about what’s going to happen when I get home.

We are settled and looking forward to the future.

We are so glad and relieved to be spending Christmas here.”